If I Were A Customer Service Representative

Not that I am sour-graping because I failed in the "reading" examination given by Teleperformance ages ago... but that I am so mean to CSRs, I regret each time I was forced to. So, to balance matters, I also do some reflective thinking and wonder:

How would I say the following if I were a CSR and had to handle a person like me:

* I don't use this brand. I am only trying to answer complaints in a nice way.
* Use the competitor brand.
* Stop bickering, it was your fault.
* You've been had big time.
* Did you read it was "made in China"?
* Fuck you!

If I had been hired, I'd probably speak fiction:

Ma'am, that model was pulled out of the shelves a few months back. (It's really defective.)
Sir, you must have a very charming smile... (I have no answer).
I am glad to inform you that our company already agreed to pull out of Beijing because of your complaint (Throw it, it's useless).
Our research department will go through your case right now and we will get back to you as soon as you can call again (Get lucky).
I have only been using this product as a Chrsitmas give-away (I'm not as dumb as you to buy this one).
I just dispatched our emergency team to attend to your request (Cut it off!)

Fortunately, I am not a customer service representative.